I'm tired and I can't write.

2 days to exams and a few more days to 2 months of _________________________

yes the nightingale was meant to sing melodiously, but only in the cage

I can't rant enough to get it off my chest. It's like a roller-coaster ride in the dark, u never know wad's gonna happen next. Whether it will bring u high up or bring u lower down.

Ah, forget it.

The bravest thing that men do is love women.
-- Mort Sahl

hmmm, it's hard to say wad I'm feeling now. These few wks I've just grown to rely on people around me too much. So many mistakes which I made and I just wanna say, sorry. I've been relying on people other than God, neglecting him in all aspects of my life and forgetting about his blessings. This emotional hurt that though people around me will find it hard to understand, but it's still there, unseen deep down in me - it does exist.

But you know sometimes thinking about it, maybe I've just been wallowing in whatever I've been feeling and I should just take ownership of my life and not let trivial stuff get over me.

Yes, life is unfair. People do not care about others but so what?! At least I know God listens. I'm not feeling the best now but it's just my own responsibility to get myself out of this shithole.

I just wanna say that I'm feeling so vulnerable now that I'm trying my best to stay strong but at the same time, I really really need my friends to stay by my side and remind me of how I was happy before. It's not easy. I've to force myself to think positively about things and whenever u do rmb, just remind me of what u like about me. Just one thing is enough, even if it's half a sentence with grammatical errors, okay??

I know there are 101 things for me to be thankful for. I'm getting there.

First thing to be thankful this morning is that I have a home to live in, have plenty or enough material possessions - I've about 10 pretty dresses to choose from; and I have oxygen to breathe. Most importantly, I've God walking by my side.

It's not easy to understand people like me who are easily hurt. People sometimes don't mean what they say but it still hurts nevertheless.

But just remind me that I'll be okay and I'm just special the way God made me. That though I'm different, God did not make a mistake in making me as how I am.

Have a happy day =)

WHY is that when you love someone so much it can hurt as much as well?

Livia's happy days

Today I was reading my friend's email and she ended off with 'have a happy day'. Thinking about it, what she said is so true...instead of saying 'have a good day' we should say 'have a happy day'. It just sounds happier by saying that.

You know wad makes me happy? Cupcakes. Why so - because they look soooo pretty. Well I have to be honest that some of them look nicer than they taste but just by looking at it I feel so princess. Haha...yes that's my shameful passion *winks*


~~

Sharon made this for my birthday last year. It looked like it took a lot of effort. It was oh so pretty!

michelle made this some time ago. you know I've a funny thought. I dont know why but this cupcake looks like an old man. haha, it looks wrinkled. but it tasted really good u know. she once made it for church too - I saw the whole plate of cupcakes she made but I never did get a chance to taste! It went like *pooooof* there was hardly any trace of its existence thereafter... lol. That explains a lot right...

When I was sick with swine flu (yes the doc suspected that I had swine flu before I had bronchitis), my housemate bought me this cupcake. It was funny 'cause she said she actually bought another one the previous day but the next morning when she was going to pass it to me she couldn't find it in the fridge, which she had left it overnight! (I didn't take it by the way, for I had no knowledge of it until she gave this one to me)

Maybe the fridge ate it 'cause it just looks too nice. Well just for your information, I had another housemate then...yah.......

The next cupcake I received made me smile, literally like this ----> :*)

I just came out from the ladies on ground level of law school and then I overheard this conversation from somewhere ahead of me along the corridor:

'Oh what's this?'

'It's a cupcake that I bought for Livia...'

I had a sudden twinkle in my eye 'cause I recognised my friend's back view at the same time. She was meeting me for lunch and she brought along a cupcake because she has been reading my blog dilligently. It was such a pretty cupcake - I couldn't bear to eat it! Think it was a white chocolate one.

Thanks Xinjie =)

And that was the cupcake I gave my boyfriend when I told him 'yes' to being his girlfriend.

I was literally inspired by my friend who totally made me exasperated with her sudden ideas!

At max brenner on one fine Sundy afternoon, she said,

'Livvy you have to tell him now! you can't wait, you've to seize the moment! okay, buy this cupcake with the heart on top of it. Give it to him when you say 'yes'. There's a reason why the cupcake stall is here...'

She was right to exert the last sentence because..... the cupcake stall wasn't there the week after.

Dear boyfriend, this is one thing u should be thankful to lily. Okay I know you tend to roll your eyes at my girlfriends but smile one now, please... : )

And one of my happiest days was when u told me how special I was to you. I woke up one frosty winter morning and that was what I wrote on my window.

I know I tend to get emo really badly but I know wad to do next time - I ll buy a cupcake for everyday.

I want to be happy everyday because....I want to share a smile with u everyday.

Even when it rains, I will still have the strength to smile, because u are there with me.

xoxo

This is my blog which I rant about everything, reasonable or unreasonable, rational or unrational, and no one can complain... :

It is 10.08am. About 1 hour ago, my Nihongo class had commenced. My sensei should be giving the students a break now.

I woke up at 8.01am. I was meant to be in the shower by 7.30am. I was obviously running late. I could have made it to class in time, just that I felt like cupcakes in a nice quaint cafe with a pot brewing with soy chai latte.

In the end, at 8.35am, I decided that I should just grab takeaway eggs and bacon muffin from the cafe a block from my apartment. Starting my day with an episode of Gintama should at least make me laugh a bit, while at the same time, perusing through bloomberg news of how gold has reached record high of $1000 per ounce and forecast to reach $1,200 per ounce. No wonder dad said gold was good investment.

On that vein of thoughts, gold might be a good investment for me, especially for me....trying to recoup my losses. Ahhh, my befuddled readers, I have yet to disclose the crux of my entry this morning.

Well what happened was that I missed my flight. I was more than 2 months late. That's the crux. As for the whole process, it's tedious to explain it thoroughly.

Imagine 4 July 2009, at Melbourne Tullamarine International Airport, they were blatantly waiting for a Ms Livia Wong to show up at the Singapore Airlines check-in counters. 10min to the closing of the boarding gate, there was still no sign of her. There's only one reason: she was at the wrong airport. Instead of being at Melbourne Airport, she was at Zurich Airport waiting for her transit flight to London.

What a joke.

If you're gasping now, yes that should be the natural reaction. At least I know people will be gasping for me, for when I found that out myself, I couldn't even gasp. People miss their flights 'cause they are a few hours late and Livia missed hers 'cause she was a few months late. What a joke really. Seriously, I always thought I'm someone who have a tendency of wasting money. Evidentiary proof has been served in the previous 2 paragraphs.

Sometimes I always thought to myself, gee I'm growing up too fast. With all these rent issues, massive bills to settle, messing up my credit card bills, excessive splurges, poor financial management.................................. I shouldn't need to mess with such stuff. I'm only a 4th year uni student. Then suddenly a voice comes at me, emanating in my ear drums, telling me that I'm already adult, already passed 21 and should stop complaining and stop acting like a kid.

Besides, I hate it when ppl think that I have more money than they think I have. I don't mind if they think I'm extravagant, but not.....(I can't say the other word, it's like taboo to me)

I'm just such a wilful child with frivolous spendings. I don't know how to set this right. I grew up in an environment whereby my friends and I have more than enough money to spend on. Thanks to our parents hard work really. It's not like we don't know the value of money, we learn it in a different way.

Yes God said in the bible that we should store up our treasure in heaven than here on Earth. But does it mean we shouldn't plan out our investment portfolio here on Earth?

The way I grew up in, and the family dinners - the adults were always talking about finance stuff which sounded like rocket science. But now, rocket science sounds even more far-fetched. I'm so confused.

I'm so confused with everything. From everything I've been taught since young and everything I'm starting to learn now.

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My brain just lost a few neurones in trying to work that out. It's like please tell me the balance. It's this area that makes me tongue-tied. And even as for words, I can't find any.

I hate it when the cycle continues and you cant break it. My summer holidays - another summer that is going into my black box. (I imagine this black box for things that I don't wanna remember. thus, I just remember it as being unhappy but I don't remember why.) Dont' go looking for Livia during summer, you can't find her. And don't ask how her summer was - cause she isn't gonna remember it anyway.

Livvy hates reasoning about the dichotomy of things.


~~

Sometimes I wished I have a mentor to teach me all things. And I wished my parents were that mentor.

Have u ever felt like it's hard to make someone special understand u fully? Maybe coz he's so special that u wistfully want him to understand the bits that common ppl don't understand.

but yet sometimes there are things that u dont understand of yourself either. Then how should u explain it to him?

If it's possible, I wished he could do a brain autopsy on me. He will then know how my neurons are connected, how messed up all these fibres are.

Or maybe it's just this period of emo-ness that I need chocolate. But I'm so emo that I don't even wanna get chocolate myself.

Firstly, I have to rant that a really cute plate that I bought from Tokyo has a chipped corner. I mean if I really like something I want it to be in good condition like all the time. Besides, the day I found out about its not-so-positive condition (which is today), is the day I feel emo.

=((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

And growing older (or growing up), makes me feel more and more like my mum. It's just suddenly I realise there's all these stuff that I picked up from my parents unconsciously - esp mum. BUT... I just don't wanna be like my mum! However, it tends to be this vicious cycle that u simply fall victim to it once u cried your first cry. Also, great attachment to your mother strongly indicates a high level of (unwanted) likeness between mother and daughter (that's in my case, as in if u're a guy then 'son' unless u're unsure, this blog doesn't provide the help u need).

Look, you were connected to her through the ubilical cord for 9 whole months. That means there was a substantial amount of transmission. In technophile terms, it means massive download. Just touch your belly button now, you might feel the long lost vibe.

~~

Have u ever felt like you wanted to change a part of you but yet that part of you is so distinctly u that u don't want to change it?

Maybe what you need is not eradication or annihilation of your inner self in any way, but u just need to hone that part of you.

Well, take this example. Which table is nicer? A. Lacquered wooden table? OR B. Dull marble table?The answer is neither 'cause they are nice in their own styles but maybe you would need to polish the marble table to see its beauty glowing from beneath the surface.

Right, so at this moment your physical self will most likely be befuddled at my random example. You might be tempted to roll your eyes for a bit, narrow your eyesbrows and ask, 'So?'

Okay fine, I'll stop beating around the bush and tell u the truth. (it incidentally rhymes btw)

I've been seriously pondering and contemplating over the word 'NAIVE'. I thought 'QUIET' was already a distasteful word for my own consideration. It appears that 'NAIVE' is a word I can't yet stomach.

Thanks to a friend who commented that the word 'NAIVE' suits me without giving me a satisfactory justification to her loathesome proposition. If you can relate to me as a law student, don't you just hate it when the reasoning of the case is unclear, thus the law is unsettled and only creates more room for controversies, debate and leaves u flummoxed? Well, yah similar case scenario here. (If you're like my bf who most likely doesn't understand the previous statement and potentially a few more sentences above it, it don't matter. As for certain matters, Sympathy is as hard to procure as puffer fish, so take it easy).

Going back to the topic of 'NAIVE'...

What images does it exactly create? My hard copy dictionary describes it as someone who's innocent, trusts ppl much and sees life as a happy thing. Dictionary.com adds on with synonyms like simple and unsophisticated, as well as describing it as showing lack of judgment and experience. There's also another weird meaning to this word: 'not having previously been a subject of a scientific experiment, as an animal'. (?!) If you're in the same boat as me, you should be going 'huh??!?!' and think 'body shop'.

Seriously, am I all of the above? Assuming you disregarded the last meaning...

Maybe I'm just someone who likes to complain/whine a lot but often to the wrong persons. Or maybe I just like to babble about stuff but not want you to take it to heart. It's kinda like letting all the air out of balloon till there's no more air in it.

Adding to that, I definitely say I am one of the least confrontational person. I guess I try my best to avoid any stand offs. Having said that though, I really do have a limit and I do mean it 'cause I promise I'll make that experience unforgettable.

Sometimes my brain goes zonkers considering all sides of the view. Isn't that how we re trained as law students? Discussing and taking into account both sides of the argument. (I might need to refine on taking a firm stand though as I do like the notion of 'best of both worlds'.)

In conclusion, and having considered many factors, some just fleeting mental considerations not dictated in this entry, I've decided that my friend needs more precision in her choice of vocabulary. It's not naive, it's just 'IDEALIST'.

You must be thinking, 'Oh dear, Livia please stick to reality.' At least I know my dad will say that ... possibly a few more times in my life span.

Whatever it is, I don't like my friend's perception of me. I mean she might not be the only one who shares similar sentiments. Definitely there are some perceptions that ppl have of me which I dont have a clear liking for it, but on the other hand I can't change myself.

My mind's bursting, I don't wanna think anymore about what's right what's wrong what's good what's bad. Where my boundaries are and I don't wanna be told what to do.

Why do some ppl just see that thread of simplicity out of my perceived complexity and I don't?

Just tell me that things aren't complicated, yet not trivial at the same time.

I feel like a deflated balloon. Sighhh, I'm just thinking now of the words I avoided using to prevent any confrontations, or words which I did used, but refined them to the extent that it was both pointless and meaningless in my articulation.

~~

Anyway, today I'm not listening to classical. It's Josh Groban, because ... ...

Because I'm emo today.

Ps: I need a Willy Wonka.

xoxo

I'm in this season when I can't find music that suits my mood. When all else fails, I turn to Mozart (or rather classical).

I was looking for a classical piece that best describes me, think Novelette No.2 in B flat minor by Poulenc is the best fit. Sounds whimsical, not serious and just perfect with afternoon tea and cupcakes.

I'm feeling terrible again! Think I'm gonna run a fever soon. It's so hard to fall asleep with a fever. I think the best cure to a fever is not panadol anymore, it's just for your boyfren to wrap his arms around you as you try to fall asleep despite having hot flushes as your body temperature rises and the incessant headache that is almost ubiquitous.

It's quite sickening..... in the sense that while I was travelling in Europe, I was craving so much for Asian food or simply my melb norms like 'don don' and 'desert house' and once in a while the hungry jack's cravings. Well, Singapore fulfilled my yum cha fetish which was good, and then I was looking forward to jap/korean food in Melbourne but suddenly, my palate just turned so bland. It's like everyday I just feel like living on yoghurt. (ewwww right?)

I know ... I miss Swiss yoghurt, can't be compared to those sold at Coles. (Erk....you even have to double-check the expiry date just in case)

So yahh, the feeling is awful when you re hungry but you can't think of what you want to eat. Do you have those moments when you just can't stop thinking of a particular type of food and you just have to eat that if not you will not be full and satisfied? I wished for those moments to return, at least I know what my stomach wants to feast on.

For now, even a regular cupcake doesnt do any good coz anything that goes into my mouth, just taste like yoghurt. Soon, I might just be eating tissue paper! - stems from the amount of tissue paper I've been using.

ps: I'm not eating pizza and gelati for some time after Italy - too sick of it! Or maybe I'm just too asian.

pps: I'm seeing stars now looking at my diary with things-to-do and trying to nurse this stubborn flu. Won't it just leave me alone and find better company...

ppps: shiro, I think I need Takuya back...

I feel so lost now not knowing wad to do. Just screwing up one subject just screws your other study plans for next semester and the next and possibly the next as well.

I dont feel like goin thru my course guide and decipher which subjects i can do next sem, coz i'm now in Interlaken, Switzerland - I'm supposed 2 be on holiday.

The feeling of being severely screwed up w law school, not even in the rat race yet but erroneously feel enbedded in this shit... I guess it all adds up. The tiredness from all the travelling, the crappy results and the worry for the future... sorry but I feel like flying back home right now.

It's this feeling of really wanting to go home but yet you can't change your travel plans for several reasons.

I'm supposed to be a happy girl. Travelling on the train through the mountains and passing green pastures, azure blue lakes and gentle brookes... I cried. Because despite myself being at such a beautiful place, and I'm supposed to give God praise for His beautiful creation, but I couldn't do just that coz I was just feeling so...sad.

Who cries at seeing nice scenery like that?

What am I doing in Europe?!? My frivolous nature once again, wanting to run away....

It's a scarier emotion, feeling as if God's really really far away. Previously I said it's hard 4 me to cry, but now I cry at the most trivial things.

It takes awhile to get over things like that. I really don't know wad to do.

I guess I've been quite lost for a while. I've just been running in circles. I wish ppl will be more patient w me.

I'm putting on my sunnies now again coz i think i might cry again. at least as i'm hiking the swiss alps, I can hide behind my shades crying, that no one will be flabbergasted y a girl like me is crying while the scenery is so breath-taking. it breaks my heart even more when i cant smile at the mountains - the really gorgeous ones.

All the cycles that I've seen in my life...it's the same over and over again. the same. it's as if God stopped working in my life. Or i've forgotten His promises....

And under my veneer, I feel so crap bcoz despite myself being a de facto cell leader and cell coach, my spiritual life is waning and no one seems to realise. It's like no one realises tt the Livia inside is growing smaller and smaller... the flame's almost going out.

I'm afraid to go back to melb or rather maybe not having the courage to. (Baby, if I for some reason irrationally don't, come find me k...)

Rome, Florence, Venice...my next 3 destinations after the swiss alps. If u're envying me right now, pls don't... because know y, I might just be crying when I see vatican city.

But I promised my bf to keep my smile on my face - I'm trying baby, under my sunnies...

I've forgotten how to cry for myself, for such a long time. It almost seems like my tear glands have disintegrated.

It's funny how I can cry for my friend(s) but when it comes to my own issues, the tears just don't flow out. It's as if I've never known how to cry.

My bf asked me today if I wasn't happy.

Yah I wasn't.

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Many many reasons y. Not his fault btw. But thankfully, my kitchen's super-duperly clean today. (Thanks Shiro)

hmmm, so one worry down. At least I know the cockroaches will be discouraged with the state of cleaniness and find another home to live in.

~~

Well well, why this hardened heart?

I should be contented shouldn't I. I've got a bf who's there for me, going to Tokyo (harajuku, here I come...) in a few days time and set for London, Paris, Switzerland and Italy for a month. Wad more can a girl ask?

more chocolate/cupcakes maybe and some extra credit cards.......just joking.... (Yes shiro don't roll your eyes, I'm not going to shop - as much as before)

But no....it normally stems from where home is.

Maybe I just need to cry it out, again.

~~

'Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat - for he grants sleep to those he loves.' - Psalm 127 : 1,2.

Make God your highest priority, and let Him do the building.

I won't say it's easy Lord to stay faithful all the way and all the time, but I'm willing to trust and give my best.