I was distracted today - I dont know why. But i guess there's a reason for everything. I couldnt sit still studying. Just walking around my room thinking of something productive to do, I suddenly had a tune which I havent heard for very long stuck in my head. It was a terrible feeling! I just had to listen to those songs I havent heard in ages! I just had to have it now. That sort of feeling I couldnt describe, somewhat like when someone wants a ciggy and needs it now (btw, i dont smoke, it's the only example i could think of at this moment).

I looked hard for the CD a friend burnt for me before I left Singapore in 2005. It was a farewell gift. I couldnt find the CD!! argh. But i found the CD case though, with the song title list. (gosh, must have lost it through my moving in previous yrs or sth)

Initially, all i was looking for was the CD but i chance upon heaps of letters I received before I left. All from ppl from this church I was attending awhile in Singapore. Suddenly, I felt so loved. Some of them who left me msges in the really sweet envelope, i hardly knew some of them but they had the heart to send me well wishes. They were even there for me at the airport to send me off when some other good friends of mine werent even able to make it.

Leaving home for the first time was really scary. Because? well because it's like no turning back. You are going to go away and come back and know that the world is bigger. There are other reasons too. Like you know you are going to grow up and you are not going to be the same. It is a scary feeling stepping out of your comfort zone. Voluntarily going away from somewhere you know you ll always have friends, family and homecook food.

I knew very well that before I left, I wanted to write long letters to my friends to express all my appreciation for all their friendship and just always being there for me. But........somehow the words didnt flow as I wished it would have. I didnt know what to give them. Only 18 then with a still stuck in my 16 mindset, I always wanted life to be ever happy and wished the same for all my friends. I gave some of them packets of sparkles and wrote to them saying that I hope their lives will be as bold as sparkles in the nightsky.

In one of the longest letters i received, one of my friends said, "you can forget about the long letters to us if you really cant write your true feelings down, we'll feel it as long as your heart says it".

I was on youtube and managed to find the music that I needed. Listening to all the songs again made me cry. I mean it. I cried. I was scrambling for my tissue in my room. I cant really explain why I cried while listening to the songs. Nostalgia? Or maybe it was something more than that...

The songs mean so much to me. The words were beautiful.

I guess my friends were really worried for me before I left. They dont know how I will fit into the new environment, whether I ll even walk away from my own faith. One even said, 'use superglue to stick yourself onto God!' But thank God who is always faithful and has been always good to me. I cant believe how much I ve grown since the day my friends sent me off at the airport. I think my friends wont even believe that I m a cell leader now. (actually me too sometimes) And I dont even know where I get all the courage, the words, the energy, the passion and everything else. Sometimes when you are unsure how you do things like that, it's actually a good thing - coz you ll find that everything leads to only one source.

Have been praying a lot for cell these days.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=osHMTSKknWA (sorry if you dont understand Chinese - i m not good at translating Chinese)

This is a chinese song. I think I cried when I listened to this song because this was really what I wanted all my cell members to sing and really mean it when they get a chance to sing this song.

~~

Sometimes it's really good to have friends who remind of things you tend to forget. I think there was a period before I left I got really upset for no good reason and I thought I forgot how to love. Maybe because I was afraid that when I left my friends back home will be different when I get back.

A friend wrote 'so dont dwell on the problem of not being able to love, but just do it, just love it, dont be hindered by the problem. Sometimes we just have to do it, keep doing it until it becomes part of you...difficult though but we have to try for God's sake'

Looking back, I thought she really summed up the gist of being Christian. No one says it's easy loving everyone and everyday. There are inevitable bad-hair days.

~~

A friend signed off a farewell letter with:
'Most impt, may your years abroad build you up spiritually and you experience God deeply.'

Yes, your prayers have been answered and are still being answered.

Another awesome thing a friend wrote, 'all of us are limited to this world, this dimension - no matter how far away we run about, we are still together in that sense'.

~~

Thank God for friends who help you see things that you do not want to see or become blind to.

It's been 4 yrs since I left for Melbourne. Looking back at all these letters - I remember that there have been people who have been praying for me all these yrs.

Today, a good friend asked me if I ll stay on in Melb. Well, I really dont know. I know I may sound indecisive but the fact is that I dont have full control of life and I really dont know where I will be. Perhaps having lived abroad and survived tokyo's unbelievably complicated train system and all-day charade (due to lang. barrier), I feel as if I can live anywhere under the sun. wherever I'm called to.

I told my friend over my phone I ve still have 2 more yrs to graduation. She just replied, 'well, you know time passes fast.'

I dont know where I m heading to, but I know when the next farewell comes, I ll have a new perspective to it.

I might just be as emotional as the first time (like I always do), but I know I ll face it with more chutzpah and assurance - knowing that I m not alone and I ve good friends in this not too big world - for there's only one world, and one dimension.

Indeed.